My Not-To-Do List Got Longer
- Alice Ranker
- Jun 6
- 3 min read
For most of my life, I was a very enthusiastic volunteer.
Not the official kind with a name tag and a clipboard. Although, occasionally, I was this too.
But mostly, the unofficial kind.
The one who volunteered to solve problems.Manage feelings.Carry responsibilities.Fix situations.Keep the peace.Remember birthdays.Coordinate schedules.Follow up.Check in.Double check.And occasionally lose sleep over things that weren't actually mine to manage.
The funny thing is that nobody appointed me to most of these jobs.
I simply applied for them myself.
Repeatedly.
Without an interview.
RECOGNIZE
"The jobs we give ourselves"
Many of us carry invisible responsibilities. These roles weren't assigned to us, but over time we became known for them—and eventually, expected to perform them.
We become the family mediator, the peacekeeper, and the one making sure everyone is happy—sometimes even working overtime to prevent disappointment before it arrives.
We read minds and smooth awkward moments.
We rescue people again and again from the natural consequences of their decisions.
Somewhere along the way I became Director of Everybody Else's Experience. The pay was terrible and the hours were exhausting.
REFRAME
"Just because you can doesn't mean you should."
We should really embrace that statement. Put it on t’shirts and drink koozies.
The better we become at managing other people's lives, the more demand there seems to be for our services.
When we show up with confidence and empathy, it’s often assumed that we will keep showing up.
But not every invitation needs acceptance.
What if we created a “Not-To-Do List”?
Here’s mine. It changes over time, and some days I need more reminders than others, but this list has become one of the most liberating things I’ve written.
Feel free to save it, screenshot it, print it, or create one of your own.
RESTORE
"Creating space for what matters most"
Now that you’ve read through my Not to do List, what resonates with you?
Ask yourself:
What can I stop doing?
What can I release?
What can I trust someone else to carry?
What responsibility have I accepted without permission?
Flowers don't bloom by doing everything.
They bloom because they draw resources toward what helps them grow and let go of what doesn't.
And just like flowers, what we need in one season may not be what we need in the next.
And don’t think changing this behavior will be easy. It might not be. But it’s worth it. Your peace of mind is worth it.
People may still come with an expectation that you will ‘fix it’ for them.
They may even get upset when you don’t offer to step in and work your magic in their lives. I use a mantra that I learned in therapy to release me from feeling obligated to solve problems while I work on changing my own behavior. You are welcome to try it out and see if it feels right for you.
“I am confident that you can figure out what is best for everyone involved.”
At first, that sentence felt uncomfortable.
I worried it sounded dismissive.
I worried people would think I didn't care.
I worried I was being selfish.
What I eventually realized is that allowing capable people to solve their own problems isn't unkind.
It's respectful.
It communicates trust.
It honors their ability to think, decide, learn, and grow.
And perhaps most importantly, it frees me from carrying responsibilities that were never mine in the first place.
These days, my Not-To-Do List is getting longer, and surprisingly, so is my peace.
Not because I care less.
Not because I've become unavailable.
Not because I've stopped showing up for the people I love.
But because I've learned that every time I stop carrying something that isn't mine, I have more energy for the things that are.
More presence.
More peace.
More joy.
More room to bloom.
And if you're feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or stretched thin, maybe the answer isn't another item on your To-Do List.
Maybe it's something you're finally ready to remove.
After all, growth isn't always about what we add.
Sometimes it's about what we're finally willing to put down.
Much love,
Comments