Saying Sorry...

Alice Ranker
Sep 28
3 min read

It has been my experience both as a coach and my interactions with people in general that many of us didn’t learn how to apologize as children. And as Maya Angelou said, “when we know better, we do better”, this is us doing better. Growing up, repair wasn’t modeled for me. Not because people didn’t care, but because it just wasn’t part of our culture. We were told to say the words, but not taught what they should mean.

As children, either in school, or playing with other children we were told what to say but not really taught how to apologize or what an apology should mean. Now, I am by NO means an expert here, I am learning this too in real time. So I thought you might want to come along on this journey and we could learn together.

Now, growing up, we may be familiar with language such as:

“Say you’re sorry” (with no deeper understanding).
“It doesn’t matter, just let it go.”
“If you ignore it, it will go away.”

So, now as adults we often avoid conflict, over apologize, or ruminate in the conflict. We weren’t taught that conflict could be a good thing. (I talked about this last week.) Conflict is normal, especially in close relationships. You have different thoughts, opinions, and perspectives. For me, after an apology (if there was one) that’s it, it’s over. But apologies don’t repair trust or erase what happened. Repair takes courage, humility, and often time and consistency.

So what does a sincere apology actually look like? Here’s a framework I’m learning (and practicing myself in real time).

What you’re sorry for:
- “I’m sorry for raising my voice.” (Naming the hurt shows respect.)
Say why it was wrong:
- “It was wrong because it disrespected you.” (Show you understand the impact.)
Accept full responsibility:
- “I accept responsibility for what I said.” (No excuses. No blame-shifting.)
Ask how to make amends:
- “What can I do to make this better?” (Invite the other person’s input.)
Commit to Change:
- “Moving forward, I will be mindful of my tone.” (Set an intention for the future.)
Ask for forgiveness:
- “Will you accept my apology?” (This puts the choice in their hands.)
Thank them:
- “Thank you for being willing to talk this through with me.” (Gratitude closes the loop.)
  Take a screenshot to practice in your own time.

Repair doesn't make us weak, it makes us trustworthy. It’s about growth. I know, at first these words don’t taste so good. Apologies can feel awkward, even vulnerable. But what lingers is the bitterness of unresolved conflict, and if it stays too long it may invite its friends, Pride and Judgement. That’s not what I want, and I don’t think that’s what you want either. Repair is a necessary step for stronger connections, whether at home, among your friends, or at work.

As you read through these steps, who comes to mind. Not the person that you think owes you an apology, that’s not in your circle of control. Instead think of the person that you hurt. Today, try practicing these steps by writing out your apology. Put it into your own words, then you can reach out to the person where the conversation feels unfinished.

Have the best week and remember, when you feel stuck, you can always reach out. You don't have to do the hard parts of life alone.

Much love,