There Might Be Another Way
I remember several years ago, like around 2009 I was in a leadership training program along with my husband and several good friends that we recruited to join us.
This was a two-year commitment and sponsored by the church we had attended and were planning to return to. Every other month, we went to Virginia for two days of training. The following month, we met with our local team to dig deeper into the topics, review the papers we had written, and talk about how we were applying what we were learning.
I don't remember a lot about my past but there are a few things that stand out. One of them is, during this season, I felt stuck.
I would listen to the teachings and fill out my workbook, I was always a good student and loved learning. I would write my paper and share my thoughts. I was even able to articulate my thoughts well during group break out sessions. But what I couldn't do was figure out a way forward.
Let me explain.
I was in my early to mid thirties and reasonably mature, but I also had some bad practices in place. I had control issues, for one. I wasn't really good at listening. However, I was really good at making my point, not so good at hearing yours. In hindsight, I was doing the best I could with what I had.
I remember in one of the break out sessions saying something like…”I know when this happens I respond with this and that's not working but I don't know what else to do.”
I didn’t have language for it then, but what I was expressing was a limited toolbox. I could recognize that some of my responses weren’t working. I knew there had to be a better way. I just couldn't seem to get to it on my own. I think this is when my personal growth journey began. I felt stuck and knew there had to be options that I just didn't have access to yet.
Outside of our strong ties to our evangelical church life, I was also heavily involved in volunteer leadership roles in the Marine Corps, traveling and teaching family programs. I was surrounded by leaders in very different realms who didn't seem to be limited the way I felt I was.
I took my leadership roles seriously. I knew I had influence, and I didn't want my limited range of responses to negatively affect the people serving alongside me or the programs we were responsible for.
It wasn't until after our move back to Virginia around 2011 that I started finding some of the tools I had been looking for. I was introduced to two leaders that would have a deep impact on me, Dr. Brené Brown and Graham Cooke.
I'll start with Graham. Let me just say that I had been raised in a very hell and brimstone type of religion where everything was going to send you straight to hell, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. When I heard Graham teach on the fruit of the spirit, it was if he was reading my heart. He said the things I had felt but didn't have words to articulate. He spoke of such grace and compassion and of access to the Spirit that it was as if I could breathe deeply for the first time. He taught about loving our neighbor in ways I hadn't heard in my local church experience.
And then there was Dr. Brené Brown. When I listened to her first TED talk, I felt seen. From her, I learned about boundaries, pausing, the stories we tell ourselves, and what true and healthy vulnerability could look like. She presented facts and research, but delivered them through stories that I could relate to, so it stuck, it found a place to land.
Neither of them handed me a different life. They gave me language and tools. And little by little, I began filling that tool box that had once felt so empty. And, I haven't stopped adding to it. I hope I never do.
During this season of learning there were times I felt like I couldn't learn enough or learn quick enough. It was as if someone had finally turned on a fire hydrant of information, and I was desperate to take it all in.
But learning was just the beginning. That was actually the easy part. Applying it? Now that's where the work came in. That was and still is humbling work. It was in this season that I came up with a decidedly unglamorous metaphor for personal growth: potty training.
In my defense, I had my first grandbaby with me a lot during this season.
Think about potty training. At first, you make a mess and you are oblivious to it. Then you become aware of the mess. It doesn't feel particularly good, but you aren't sure what to do about it. Then someone introduces you to the potty, so you give it a try. It works, it avoids the mess. But at first, you don't get there in time, every time.
It's a process. Side note: I detested the word process.
I had been stuck for so long. I didn't want a process. I just wanted to wave a magic wand and get it right! Whatever “it” happened to be at the time.
So, I can tell you I have been potty training in one area or another for the last fifteen years. And just when I pause long enough to celebrate that I’ve finally made progress in one area, I become aware of another one. And I start all over again.
Here’s what I’ve come to understand:
Awareness gives us choices we didn't have when we were operating on autopilot.
Before I can change a response, I have to recognize it.
Before I can choose differently, I have to know another choice exists.
Before I can use a new tool, someone or something has to introduce me to it.
I can look back at the younger version of myself now with more compassion than criticism. She wasn’t unwilling to change. In fact, she desperately wanted to. She simply couldn’t use tools she hadn’t learned yet.
If I circle all the way back to my need to control things, it's better now. I'm more relaxed. I am better able to identify who is actually responsible for any given situation and I’ve learned to remove myself and my need to fix things from situations that aren't mine to fix. For the most part. No one's perfect.
I have become a better listener. I've gained more perspective and I pay more attention to my self-talk and the stories I tell myself. And I’m still learning.
The work I do coaching women and the planners I have created all grew in one way or another, from this journey. I remember what it felt like to be stuck and to desperately desire more for my life and for the people around me. I wanted to love them better. And eventually I realized I needed more tools to do that.
These tools didn't all appear at once, and I certainly wasn't born knowing how to use them. It's taken a lot of work, intentionality, humility, and willingness to keep seeing myself honestly. Well and therapy. Some parts have absolutely required therapy. But it's been so worth it.
The woman I am today is much more grounded, compassionate, generous, and confident than the younger version of me who sat in those leadership meetings thinking, I know this isn' t working, but I don’t know what else to do.
She didn’t need to have all the answers. She just needed to believe there might be, had to be, another way. Maybe that’s one of the greatest gifts of personal growth, becoming aware and learning there are other choices. We practice making them. And little by little, we become someone who can respond to our lives differently.
I am sure there are plenty of tools that I have yet to discover. I hope there always are.
Much love,
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