Shhh, You've Said Enough
I’ve spent a lot of my life learning how to use my voice. How to say what I mean and ask for what I need. Practicing how to have difficult conversations instead of avoiding them and how to speak up when something doesn’t feel right or clear.
And I believe that this is important, especially for women.
But lately I’ve been having conversations around something that almost seems contradictory. I am learning that there is also power in silence.
Not silence when you don’t know what to say, for me, that’s rarely the case. And it’s not even that I’m afraid of where the conversation might lead or that I’ve decided that my thoughts don’t matter. But because I am beginning to understand that not every situation calls for more words.
I know there are situations where speaking is necessary. In those moments remaining silent could require us to make ourselves small, to ignore what we know, tolerate what shouldn’t be tolerated, or even abandon something within ourselves.
And I think there are moments when we’ve said enough.
Answering every comment, correcting every assumption, or trying one more time to make someone understand us requires energy. At some point we have to ask: Is the cost more than the conversation is worth?
I wonder if finding our voice is only part of the work and maybe the other part is learning when to remain silent.
For generations, women have been taught, directly and indirectly, to be agreeable, to be polite, to keep the peace, and to soften our opinions and feedback so they are easier to receive.
We’ve been told:
Don’t be difficult.
Don’t make a scene.
Don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.
Be nice.
Smile.
Even as those messages may have evolved, we still recognize them. We learned how to read the room before deciding which version of ourselves would be welcome in it. We learned to add qualifiers to our opinions and apologize before asking for something. We also learned to re-word our boundaries to sound nicer to avoid appearing unreasonable.
Sometimes we remained silent because speaking in that moment felt like it might cost us something. That kind of silence is very different from the silence I am referring to.
There is a difference between being silenced and choosing silence.
One takes away our power and the other might actually be an expression of it.
There are absolutely times when we need to speak and even magnify other female voices. We need our voice to name what’s not okay.
To say:
That hurt me.
I don’t agree.
I need something different.
No.
We need our voices to ask questions, advocate for ourselves and others, to share our stories, establish permissions and boundaries, challenge assumptions, and bring attention to things that are easier for others to ignore.
Sometimes speaking feels uncomfortable, but it’s necessary.
Imagine the growth that happens when a woman who has spent years accommodating everyone around her finally hears herself say what she actually thinks or feels. No longer is her concern what will keep everyone comfortable, what she thinks they want to hear, or even what might prevent conflict.
She simply speaks her truth, shares what she thinks and how she feels. There’s power in that. And, there is power in learning when we’ve already said it, and let that be enough.
Learning that not everything requires a response is a hard one for me. When I feel misunderstood, I want to explain. And if my first explanation doesn’t land well, apparently some part of me believes that if I keep giving examples or analogies that something will stick. So I say more words, give more context thinking then I will be understood. Except, understanding requires two people.
I can communicate clearly, thoughtfully, and honestly but what I can’t do is make someone hear me.
I’ve even begun to recognize that there comes a point when continuing to explain is no longer about communication. It becomes an attempt to control how I am perceived. Because, at the end of the day, I have a deep desire to both understand and to be understood.
Most of us probably do.
So I am getting curious about what happens when I remind myself:
Other people's assumptions don't always need my defense.
Being misunderstood doesn’t always require correction.
Maybe every disagreement doesn’t need more conversation.
Learning to sit with what is true about myself can be enough.
I am finding that something interesting happens when I stop filling all the empty spaces. I notice more.
When I stop asking the next question, I notice if the other person becomes curious.
When I stop initiating every conversation, I notice who reaches out.
When I stop explaining someone’s behavior for them or even to them, it allows me to see the behavior for what it is.
When I stop rushing to repair, which I am still not great at but still practicing, it offers insight to what other people do with the discomfort.
Silence creates room for observation. Sometimes it offers more information than another conversation could.
When we let the moment unfold, we have an opportunity to pay attention and trust ourselves enough to believe what we see. I couldn’t really observe while I was so focused on finding more words. To truly observe, I had to pause.
So maybe the distinction between silence and having a voice is about discernment or intuition. It’s knowing I can speak when something needs to be said. I can advocate, question, disagree, clarify, set permissions, and say no. I can use my voice even if I think it makes the room uncomfortable. And, I can also recognize when I’ve already said what I needed to say and pause.
What changes as I learn that silence doesn’t mean I have nothing to say, it means I am paying attention, protecting my peace, and realizing I don’t have to respond to everything? I think it will change quite a bit.
So for today this is what I know-– there is power in a woman finding and using her voice. There is power in trusting it. And, there is another kind of power in knowing she doesn't have to spend her energy everywhere.
Much love,
SO good!!! 💚