The Art of Repair

Go with me on a little journey, imagine:

It’s July, the peak of summer here in Eastern Virginia, I was out running errands and heading home on interstate 64 on a Friday afternoon when my AC went out on my car. Then traffic slowed to a complete stop. There’s an accident ahead that keeps us parked here for over an hour. I shoot Tim a text to let him know I’ll be late getting home and that the AC isn’t working.

 Finally, I pull into the garage and peel myself out of the seat and walk into the kitchen where Tim is waiting, the AC a refreshing treat. He greets me with a kiss, his hand on my damp, sweaty back, he can feel my stress. After a minute, he looks at me and says, “What’s the plan for dinner?”

Wait, what? Did you hear that too? After all of that, he asked me what I was making for dinner. Or did he? It’s not difficult to miscommunicate when you have filters in place. 

Filters-barriers (internal or external) that distort, block, or generalize a message as it’s sent and received, leading to misinterpretation.

In this case, the filters were; the traffic, the lack of AC, and the delay and stress of the drive. 

Now, back to the kitchen. (Let’s play this out the way I did before I learned how to repair or that repair was an option.)

Tim asked, “What’s for dinner?”

I looked at him, like he had three heads…beacause what I heard was, ‘what are you making for dinner?’

I glared at him and said, “what do you mean what’s for dinner?”

He looked back at me and said, “do you have a plan for dinner?” 

“Yes Timothy, because that's what I do while sitting in traffic,” I say, walking away as I continue, “I think about what I am going to make you for dinner.”

Conflict is inevitable. We all experience conflict in our relationships, both personal and professional. Conflict isn’t bad, it’s actually necessary. You don’t have to shy away from it or avoid it. Instead, how can we reframe conflict as an opportunity?

Take a screenshot to practice the steps.

Pause- take a breath, assume the best. Respond instead of reacting. When we ‘react’ it makes repair much harder.

Name the value- not just the hurt. For example, ”I know you want what’s best for me and would never say anything to intentionally hurt me.”

Apologize without add-ons- No excuses, “I’m sorry I hurt you. That wasn’t my intention.”

Get Curious- Ask questions before you defend your point. “Can you clarify how you saw it?”

Offer a Repair Gesture- a note, a kind word, a small action that shows effort to mend the interaction.

Circle Back- Sometimes repair takes time. Revisit after emotions calm down. 

In a professional context keep in mind that repair isn’t a weakness, it’s leadership in action. Owning a mistake during a meeting, following up after a tense exchange, or re-clarifying expectations with kindness are all examples of ways to repair at work.

Part of our culture as women is to over-function or people please. Initiating a repair does not mean the entire responsibility is yours. Repair is a shared process. Initiating this models strength and often will diffuse tension before it escalates. 

Now, using the repair steps let’s replay what the conversation with Timothy might look like today. 

Tim asked, “What’s for dinner?” 

I looked at him, like he had three heads…beacause what I heard was, ‘what are you making for dinner?’

I glared at him and said, “what do you mean what’s for dinner?”

Alternate choice: I look at him and say, “Can you say that again? What I heard was, what was I going to make for dinner  and after the day I’ve had, I’m pretty sure that’s not what you said.” (Now, keep in mind there are still filters in place. There’s a strong possibility that I say this with a little sass. 

He looked back at me and said, “do you have a plan for dinner?” 

Alt choice: Now, he has a choice to make here also, he can respond to my sass or to the heart of the question. 

But this time he says, “No, Honey, not at all. I know you are stressed and I didn’t want to add to that stress by changing the plan if you already had a plan in place. But if you don’t, let’s order out and talk about the AC problem.”

Becoming aware of filters and how they can create unnecessary stress and miscommunication is key to effectively communicating but let’s be honest because don’t pick up on those ques all the time. There will be times that we fall into the filter trap. When we do, we can use the steps of repair.

Think of the people in your life, both professionally and personally where a small repair could make a big difference. What is one intentional step you can take this week? 

These images are for you to take screenshots as reminders.

I am always here if you need help practicing these steps. Click on the link for a 15 minute complimentary consultation. Have the best week!

Much love,

Ps. This Saturday, September 27th I'll be in Hampton set up with other Vendors (with my friend Paige, from Paige Holmes Photography. You can view all upcoming events on my page. Come out and start your holiday shopping.

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